overwhelmed is an understatement

You asked for a packing post and here it is. Just kidding. Although I did just print out a 7 page single spaced document from the friendly China adoption online community of things to pack for China. My head is exploding. Send chocolate and wine. Actually can I pack those? Anyways, I digress. They weren't on the 7 page list.

Last week was a doozy. We got travel approval (YAY) on Tuesday, and then overnight on Tuesday  night I got the dreaded stomach bug, given to me by a child in the family who shall not be named who had it earlier in the week. Wednesday morning after some of the worst 5 hours of my life, in a haze around 9 am I saw an email that said that we had to find flights and have a preliminary itinerary to our adoption agency by 11 am if we wanted to be able to book flights before Monday due to the Thanksgiving holiday. Insert panic. We are already flying at one of the most expensive times of the year and this basically gave us a heart attack (4 more days, 2 weeks before your trip is like an eternity). We did end up booking flights and they'll be fine, but they definitely aren't our first choice, especially for the trip on the way home. So that was a crazy stressful day. And then Adam got the stomach bug and I worked 4 days in a row and somewhere in there we had Thanksgiving and celebrated the birthdays of our bookends. AND... what?, I'm leaving for China in 16 days? #holdme

From the end of the earth I will call unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. -Psalm 61:2

I have been praying this for myself the past several days. My heart is overwhelmed and exhausted. How is it possible when we are already feeling so depleted, that we are leaving for China in 16 days to add a new member to our family. A precious, longed for, desired daughter. A daughter that we don't know yet.

I. Have. So. Much. To. Do.

And in the midst of feeling so completely overwhelmed, what have I been turning to? Things. Stuff. Packing perfectly. Control.  After an emotional breakdown Friday night, I realized the Lord showed me that I have been putting my hope in the things of this world that I can control in the midst of all the uncertainty that is coming for our family. Having the right clothes and shoes and outerwear and medicine and matching pajamas (I know, but it's Christmas! ok, ok, just laugh) and packing them all perfectly into packing cubes organized by color (ok people, I'm nothing if not type A, and let's be honest, I'm the opposite of a light packer) for five people for three different climates. And having the right gifts for the littles while we are gone and the right gifts for the bigs on Christmas day wrapped in my suitcase for China and having all my Christmas gifts for everyone in both of our families totally done and wrapped. Etc etc etc. It's like my mind can't even contain all that has to be done. So if you get a random email from me in the middle of the night, it's because I just thought of something and I had to get it out of my brain.

Is it actually the trip to China that is stressing me out? No. I love adventure, I love something new, I'm so looking forward to it. Part of my underlying anxiety is the idea that I have absolutely no earthly idea what to expect with regards to A NEW CHILD joining our family. I like knowing what to expect (insert big eyes emoji here). A huge change is coming for our family and I have no idea what it will be like. We get to China and they hand me a screaming (?) Chinese baby and what is it going to be like? I so want to know. But I don't. There is One who does and He is with me and He promises to never leave me or forsake me. And I need to fix my eyes on Him. I love how that verse in Psalms says, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me... The prayer in that verse is that my heart is so overwhelmed, I have to be led. So this is my prayer. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

As I've been thinking about this, I've been realizing it's somewhat like when people get married. They spend all this time planning the wedding, which is a temporary thing, but the marriage is (hopefully) forever. What they/we should be doing is planning mostly for the marriage. I should be planning mostly for the marriage of our family to this new child and vice versa. But I think that instead, I've been trying to distract myself with the 'wedding' / the details of the trip because the idea of the marriage part is all just so unknown.

So what do we need? How can you help? Pray. If you read through this whole purge from my journal basically, please say a quick prayer for us. That in the midst of this uncertainty we will fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. He is the one who is before all things and in him all things hold together. We need more of Him to do this. And pray for the details. And pray so much for Mary Carson. Because however uprooted and unsettled I feel by all that is about to happen, Mary Carson will feel all the more so. Our change in residence to China for 17 days is transient, but her change that her little body is about to go through, her addition to our family, is permanent. Pray that that leads me/ us into compassion for her. Pray that the Lord would lead our whole family, including Mary Carson, to the rock that is higher than us.

From the end of the earth I will call unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. -Psalm 61:2